au naturel

I’m currently researching for a possible article update for my freelance.

I have yet to email the letter I made yesterday, but I can’t seem to get myself to do it until later.

I’m thinking of quitting smoking all over again. I haven’t fully decided on this, I’m cutting back on my sticks though. Nicotine can be addicting.

My favorite liquid eyeliner’s container broke yesterday - I’m sad. I need to get a new one.

I have a new favorite pizza place - Pizzeria Bella Italiana in Raintree Mall.

I painted my nails purple the other day, now I’m thinking of repainting them yellow.

I just remembered I promised to load Claudine P100.00 last weekend, I’ll do that before I go to work today.

I’m several chapters short of finishing ‘Tis and I’m looking forward to reading Teacher Man — all by Frank McCourt.

Maya Angelou’s book is the next in line. I think I’m going to read this book before Teacher Man.

I should keep my budget to a maximum of P150.00 per day. I survived w/ a hundred before, why can’t I do it now? (WTF??)

I just realized I have a thing for bola-bola.

I love Sbarro’s garlic bread.

I’m posting this in my blogspot blog, too.

I’ll take the jeep later. (I promise!)

I’m craving for something sweet and cheesy — I’m thinking of blueberry cheesecake. (Stop it!)

My hair looks too girly now, I’m debating whether I should chop it na or let it grow a little bit longer. I need to re-dye though, roots are now showing.

My brother’s gonna be a father soon — not a husband soon, I hope.

What else?

I love love, and it’s loving me back.

A hug and all fades away.

Texts of goodbyes run irrelevant,

the moment I see you sneaking up on me.

If people have noticed that I removed some of the posts in this blog, this is due to the reason that some of the posts I published have made their marks already. They have already created the stir and chain reaction that I wanted earlier to happen. Besides, it has been sitting in my blog for more than a year now. Indeed, enough has been said about it.

As what my friend Mara said, “enough steam has been released” about the issue. And talking about it at this moment in time would be irrelevant.

The ghost from my past said goodbye after I realized he’s still very much alive. His boat left, but somehow, I know, he never really left in me.

I turned back to you, and something tells me I couldn’t let you go just yet. You’ve made me happy in many ways you never thought you did. You made me laugh when I was mad; you made me smile when I was down. You made me part of your life, as I welcome you in mine.

Being with you, literally, completed my day then.

But you’ve made me cry when you couldn’t stand for me. You’ve disappointed me when you couldn’t decide for yourself. You frustrate me because I thought you were a man, but you turned out to be a baby. And that frustrated me more, since I couldn’t just leave you like that. I want you to grow up.

I want you to know what to want; to know what to do. I want you to know where to go, or know where you’re going. To be confident enough to face anybody. I want you to be a MAN - a man that you ought to be.

Or maybe I’m just not the right person to make you realize that.

You adore me still, I know. I can see it in your eyes. And I still care for you.

The thought of having you again lulled my senses into a cloudy euphoria.  It’s something that rocks me into a meaningful smile; something that I’d treasure as long as the erratic forever lasts; it’s something that I’ve always wanted to have all over again. It’s something that I’ve been trying to look for in the guy’s I’ve been with, but couldn’t.

Yet, as these mind-blinding thoughts tickle my appetite, something drags me back to where I stand right now — and I’m reminded of all the things that brought me here. All the tears I’ve cried seem to flow back to the opposite direction; they are now back swelling underneath my lids. And I couldn’t stop them from falling — I couldn’t even explain why they are still there.

You asked why I’m crying? I tried to figure out the answer, but I couldn’t. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. And I’m hating every single second that ticks, because it betrays everything that I have put up front. I’m not making a point, and I hate the fact that you have the ability to make me vulnerable.

I just realized that what Celine said in "Before Sunset" is very much for real. She said that in relationships, she can never fully get over a person, because something from that person stays inside your heart. Especially that being with that person molded you somehow into the person that you have become.

And that fact slapped me right across the face. I’m not over you, and I don’t know if I ever will. You have a lot of things to do with how and why I’m this person right now.

But the big question that dangles right in front of me is — am I heading for the same hurt that I tried so hard to get over with?

<Incubus’ Love Hurts playing in my ears. Is it really a good hurt?>

aA year and a half dragged by since we parted ways. We’ve been hurt, and I guess we needed the break. I cried for a long time, and felt numb. And I did everything I had to do, so I can fully claim - "I’ve gotten over you."

You came tumbling back into my life in the form of a text message. After a week of polluting the lines with our messages, you appeared in front of my face. So, this time you made it real — you came.

Let me talk in terms of my emotions: I don’t know what to say. You are like an apparition that I tried to keep in my past, and now I see you walking in front of me. You even felt real when I hugged you. Something undefined filled me. I tried to contain it inside, and I was successful. But I couldn’t stop the smile creeping out of my face. Yeah, this feels good.

Let me talk to you: I’d be honest — I was dreading the moment I would finally see you. I’m dreading the fact that something I tried so hard to get over with would come rushing back after seeing you vis-a-vis. I’m dreading the fact that I might prove myself wrong with the fact that I’m over you. But at the same time, seeing you would finalize one thing — closure.

I loved you, and I don’t love you less. You will always be part of me, but I just want to prove to myself that I’m in control with whatever goes on inside me. I have to thank you for all the memories.

Seeing you made me happy. And I’m glad you did come.

Friendster. Blogspot. YM, chatting. Nickelback’s Far away playing on You Tube. And I wasn’t able to stop myself from crying silently.

The song just hits a homerun somewhere. It rocks me deep down inside, and it blows the storm inside my chest that I have tried to pacify. I know I was bound to be emotional if I listen to this, I just couldn’t stop myself. Yeah, me and my sado-masochistic tendencies. Sigh!

It’s like picking a newly healed wound — feels good, yet it hurts.

-to be continued-

this close to graduating. This clooooose! I only need 18 units to finish the course, and half of those - 3 subjects/9units - are repeats. Yeah, I know. I bummed a lot in the past year. Do not ask me why, because I have a long list of excuses and reasons why I did.

I’m 21 years old, still in college, while some of my batchmates are taking masterals, teaching — well, most of them are taking calls right now. Hehe. I know I should be doing something else right now.

I just don’t know if I have this subconscious fear of finishing school? Is this some kind of every graduating student’s dilemma? Hell, it sure is not making me feel any better. Although work seems to be a great idea - financial independence and "I’m busy" mode. Pretty inviting, eh? But the thing that taints my mind grey is the idea that there might be nothing in store for me. Heck!

Well, call centers are wiiiiideeely available, but that’s beside the point. I don’t want to end up in one. Working there is like a major brain-drain fiasco. I don’t like the idea of my brain cells popping one-by-one till the sizzle into nothingness. I’M NO STARFISH! (Sigh!)Thinking about it is already stressing me out.

I’ll shut up for now. I’m finishing my INCs. Can’t enroll without finishing it. Good luck to me. Arghh!

i just came back from a four-week hibernation. and boy, i did gain a lot. haha. yeah, 12lbs on my weighing scale — heavy! and it seems to fill up all the right place… hmmm… i dunhav to tell you what are those. haha. it filled up the wrong places, as well, but i can’t seem to help myself from feeling euphoric - i can’t stop laughing? haha. i feel rather… hmmm… comfortably soft and bouncy?! yeah, i bounce!

am i making sense? haha. probably not.

just feel me. haha!

i wish i could curse you out of my life. easy that might seem, but i couldn’t, since i want you in it. yes! i want you in my freaking life, dammit! can you believe that? i’m a walking contradiction, and this  ain’t doing me any good. call me insane, but hell, i don’t care.

is that so hard?

no, it’s as easy as you-and-me-yes. but then again, no — it ain’t that easy! oh yeah, you’re in alright, but then again not exactly. you’re in the door, knocking your presence, yet you have no intention of entering. why the hell did you have to knock?

i was sleeping, and you woke me up. you knocked, and i opened the stupid door. there you were — smiling. smiling?! yes, you’re sick.  why did you have to wake me up from my dream of peaceful reality? i might be numb and devoid of any feeling, but at least i wasn’t hurting. you? curse you! you brought me back to the world of uncertainty and confusion that i’ve just turned my back on.

lead me back to my haven? i’ve lost it.

you brought back all the things i’ve tried to bury and i’ve tried to forget. now, you linger in front of me. and you have the nerve to make me smile? you have the nerve to make me happy? why do you have to? why do you have to make me feel good, when i’m not supposed to want you? curse you.

you’ve disrupted my peace of mind, and i’m loving every single minute of it. can you believe that? i’m cursing over something i’m eventually succumbing to. i’m actually loving every moment of it, and this ain’t right. this ain’t doing any good. it - which means every little thing - it.  IT might end up in the dump, and i don’t want to pick up the pieces from the freaking dumpsite. this may not make any sense, but it does to me. so, shut up.

look, i didn’t mean to be mean. i just want to know…

how can i tell you to get out of my life, when you’re not exactly in it?

how can i tell you to get out of my life, when i want you in it?