au naturel

After almost a month of thinking about the same thing over and over, I caught myself saying, "So, this is how divorce feels like."

One day you think that it’s going to last forever. Nothing can tear you apart. Everything’s going to be alright, despite the different things that could possibly blow your way. You feel like you’re one of the luckiest person on earth, because you’ve found the "right" person you’d love to spend the rest of your days. You even thank God for letting you met your "mr. right" early, so you can have the rest of your days spent in heaven. You start thinking of the future with him. You smile and you dream more. You think of little kids with your hair and his nose, complete with your daddy’s eyes. You start planning what kind of house you’d  love to have, where to settle — is it going to be near your place or might it be better to have it in his city?

Then all of a sudden…

Something happens that could possibly change the rest of your happy-ending stories. Everything starts to fall. Everything crumbles over your shoulders…

– to be continued –

I talked to my "hero" lately, and his "thoughts" have never left my thoughts. It was one of those nights where you gurge your redhorse and puff your lights… shit! there i was complaining about things that could be something from nothing to just nothing.

okay.. so, i was internalizing my romantic thoughts aloud that ranges from dwelling on my recent break-up to finding a new "shokeks" asap (shit! never thought i could sound so desperate in my life.). the latter sounds so drastic, eh? i didn’t care then… when kuya mark, probably tired of my blabs, shared his thoughts about my dilemma. and here’s what he told me:

(this is not verbatim, ok? Let’s just say that I’m going to share the things that got really glued in my hypothalamus.)

Nevertheless, the bottomline is: I jumped into a too serious relationship at a very young age.

<Kuya Mark: "You were practically married. You sleep, eat, wake up with this person, and even tried sharing the different kinds of responsibilities and problems that people you’re age aren’t supposed to be involved with. You jumped into something so serious that you missed the mediocre relatioships that you should have enjoyed while young. And because of your experience, you end up equating all your future relationships with that.

Tungod ato, imo na hunahunaon na tanan relationship mu-end up ug ingon ana. Nya kung maka-uyab kag usob, maka-feel kag deja vu — imo dayon siya i-relate sa imo experience. Mahadlok na nuon ka, kay deja vu npud. You might turn out a cynic when it comes sa relationship.">

—

Might i turn out a cynic? I hope not. I still have romantic thoughts.. some of them involves marriage even. I still daydream of my crushes, and might they like me too. Haha. That particular conversation with Kuya Mark took place more than two weeks ago, and I still can’t get it out of my mind. I still can’t forget and stop thinking of all the things that he told me. It helped me, actually. It helped me get a grip of myself and actually move on, but the things that he told me keeps echoing at the back of my head like a ball bouncing in a closed space — it can’t go out, it just keeps on going and going…

Kuya Mark also texted me too wait for the "love" to come my way again, and i told him that "love" is tiring. I’m tired of it, although i still can’t get enough of my daydreams about this’n'that. Hehe. Really, playing aside — i’m tired of the game. I also afraid of committing the same old mistakes. Kuya Mark is right, i’m scared that if i enter a new relationship, it will all surface as another deja vu from the past — meaning i never learned. Then another deja vu, then another, then another… I might end up thinking all guys are alike (freak, i hope not. i still have my hopes.).

Y’know, i really might end up in the nunnery. Haha! Big joke, eh? These thoughts are driving me insane, haha (as if i’m not crazy enough.)