au naturel

The daydream that lingers on the clouds floating on top of my head fills up my thoughts and literally consumes my time. The inkling thoughts of destroying something so beautiful disturbs the peace that reigns inside these four-corners I got myself stuck on. In simpler terms, boredom sucks the life left in my body, and lethargy starts to run in my veins – freezing my blood and numbing my senses. Life should not be this cruel to a being who just tries to live up to the daily demands of status quo. Status quo is the bitter venom that silently poisons every mind that steps on its territory. Please, do not let me be one of the victims.

Yet the world continues to spin on its axis and revolve around the sun. Let it continue to turn, as our lives continue to grow. Let it rotate, while we learn to live up to the standards of this world. And have I learned? That is the right question to ask.

I fell once, and I fell twice. I tried not to fall again, but I keep on getting caught in the trap. No one can help me though, since I am in charge of this. I tried to be wise enough the third time around, but I just realized – I haven’t learned enough. A tear fell, another followed. The tears even flowed, but sensibilities took its turn and comforted me – gave me an umbrella to stop me from getting wetter than I already am. Now, I am done with that phase, and if I look back on those moments, I cannot help but laugh at my own naivety. And I tell myself, “Sh*t! I can’t believe I felt that.”

Another millennium passed, and here I am again. Here I am, still naïve and immature. Again I was wrong. I thought I’ve learned enough from my past lives, but I haven’t. I thought that I already found a greener pasture to breed my emotions, but I was wrong. The sight from someone new shook everything I built. And I thought it was strong enough, yet the impact from the contact blew my equilibrium – and I was wrong again. The eyes that betray his humanity conceals the beast that lurks underneath the skin. He scares me, yet his presence fulfills promises I only daydream about.

I called out help to the Supreme Being that lights my path – my reincarnated path. He sent his guidance through a text message, and he assured me of enough sanity that would help me all the way. Sanity is such a comforting word, eh? It makes me doubt my own. I am not even sensible enough to know what is real, and then another illusion is subtly walking down my way. How can I cope with such uncertainty?

My fone beeped, and I murmured a silent prayer. Your name appeared, and my heart skipped a beat.

And since that moment that your name popped in there, I couldn’t stop wishing that every beep would mean a message from you. Might it be a simple "hi" or "musta?", I don’t care. The only thing that I care about is the split-second moment of bliss every time I see your name in my cellphone screen. And how I wish for these moments to last, and how I look forward to the next beep, and how I long to talk to you again.

Lots of them questions, yet the only thing that matters to me is the momentary happiness I feel every time your name appears. Momentary, yes it is. Yet let my dreams defy the call of reality, let the beeps keep coming please. Complete my day.

I saw you earlier. And I wonder when would I see you next. You wouldn’t be here in the following days. So, please let the beeps complete my day. Beeps from you that flips my heart’s sanity. Make my day. Call me an idiot, you may do so.

And here I am again, looking forward to the next beep.

Another raindrop hits my forehead, and I look up the gloomy sky. Your face fogs my view, couldn’t think of anything else. I asked myself why should I, when I already let you go… or so I tell myself.

We went to the karaoke the other day, I sang this song. A friend taunted me that it was for you, as the lyrics go; “you’re like a brother to me now”. Is that for real? I asked myself. I nodded, convinced at my own decision to put some finality to that statement. “He’s like a brother, for heaven sake…” or so I tell myself.

I met someone new. He’s nice. He’s everything you’re not. He’s ideal even. Fun. Nice eyes. I was sure I’ve finally found someone better… but in the end of the day, I’m still wondering what became of you. I told myself it is normal, and I let it pass. The new guy finally fills up my head, to the extent that I barely think about you. I was proud of myself, since I’ve finally proven that it’s a matter of decision. You’re my brother, and you will be… or so I tell myself.

But the moment I went back to where it all begun, emotions that I thought I’ve lost comes rushing back and it scares me. It scares me, since I know it might hurt me all over again. This is the moment that I was hoping that I might turn out a cynic, but I didn’t. I’m like a kid who couldn’t stop herself from playing, even with the big scratch on her knee – she’d still go and play the bandwagon of broken dreams and tangled emotions. It’s a big déjà vu that I tried to avoid; a big deluge that I tried to stop with an umbrella. Impossibility hanging in the corner, nevertheless, I tried. I told myself I can handle this, it’s all in the mind… or so I tell myself.

It’s a matter of choice, I keep telling everybody. I advise them so, but why does it seems so hard when it comes to me? Don’t tell me anything. I know the answer; I just don’t want to acknowledge the fact that I do. I decided, yes. But the problem is: my emotions contradict everything. On the other hand, as I told you before; I don’t want to base anything on emotions, since they are so unstable and unreliable – they are no good lawyers for any case. It’s all in the mind… or so I tell myself.

Then I said goodbye… or so I tell myself.