au naturel

The ghost from my past said goodbye after I realized he’s still very much alive. His boat left, but somehow, I know, he never really left in me.

I turned back to you, and something tells me I couldn’t let you go just yet. You’ve made me happy in many ways you never thought you did. You made me laugh when I was mad; you made me smile when I was down. You made me part of your life, as I welcome you in mine.

Being with you, literally, completed my day then.

But you’ve made me cry when you couldn’t stand for me. You’ve disappointed me when you couldn’t decide for yourself. You frustrate me because I thought you were a man, but you turned out to be a baby. And that frustrated me more, since I couldn’t just leave you like that. I want you to grow up.

I want you to know what to want; to know what to do. I want you to know where to go, or know where you’re going. To be confident enough to face anybody. I want you to be a MAN - a man that you ought to be.

Or maybe I’m just not the right person to make you realize that.

You adore me still, I know. I can see it in your eyes. And I still care for you.

The thought of having you again lulled my senses into a cloudy euphoria.  It’s something that rocks me into a meaningful smile; something that I’d treasure as long as the erratic forever lasts; it’s something that I’ve always wanted to have all over again. It’s something that I’ve been trying to look for in the guy’s I’ve been with, but couldn’t.

Yet, as these mind-blinding thoughts tickle my appetite, something drags me back to where I stand right now — and I’m reminded of all the things that brought me here. All the tears I’ve cried seem to flow back to the opposite direction; they are now back swelling underneath my lids. And I couldn’t stop them from falling — I couldn’t even explain why they are still there.

You asked why I’m crying? I tried to figure out the answer, but I couldn’t. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. And I’m hating every single second that ticks, because it betrays everything that I have put up front. I’m not making a point, and I hate the fact that you have the ability to make me vulnerable.

I just realized that what Celine said in "Before Sunset" is very much for real. She said that in relationships, she can never fully get over a person, because something from that person stays inside your heart. Especially that being with that person molded you somehow into the person that you have become.

And that fact slapped me right across the face. I’m not over you, and I don’t know if I ever will. You have a lot of things to do with how and why I’m this person right now.

But the big question that dangles right in front of me is — am I heading for the same hurt that I tried so hard to get over with?

<Incubus’ Love Hurts playing in my ears. Is it really a good hurt?>

aA year and a half dragged by since we parted ways. We’ve been hurt, and I guess we needed the break. I cried for a long time, and felt numb. And I did everything I had to do, so I can fully claim - "I’ve gotten over you."

You came tumbling back into my life in the form of a text message. After a week of polluting the lines with our messages, you appeared in front of my face. So, this time you made it real — you came.

Let me talk in terms of my emotions: I don’t know what to say. You are like an apparition that I tried to keep in my past, and now I see you walking in front of me. You even felt real when I hugged you. Something undefined filled me. I tried to contain it inside, and I was successful. But I couldn’t stop the smile creeping out of my face. Yeah, this feels good.

Let me talk to you: I’d be honest — I was dreading the moment I would finally see you. I’m dreading the fact that something I tried so hard to get over with would come rushing back after seeing you vis-a-vis. I’m dreading the fact that I might prove myself wrong with the fact that I’m over you. But at the same time, seeing you would finalize one thing — closure.

I loved you, and I don’t love you less. You will always be part of me, but I just want to prove to myself that I’m in control with whatever goes on inside me. I have to thank you for all the memories.

Seeing you made me happy. And I’m glad you did come.