au naturel

letting you go is probably the hardest thing i have to put up with right now. i know it’s not easy, but i know i had to sooner or later. i never really had you, so it’s not much of an issue. but the friendship we shared was more than wonderful, and that’s probably the hardest thing to let go of. the friendship’s not gonna end, i know. but let’s leave it to that.

every thing was just right…

it’s just that the whole thing is turning a little too complicated. fueled with the tiny talks here and there — it’s bound to heat up and it might burn. though half of what they say might not be true, but it matters still. i’m only human, i’m sorry.

at least we had each other for the while. it was great while it lasted. and it’d be one of the great things i’d keep for the rest of my insane existence. one the best things i had before i leave here. i never get to thank you for that.

anyway, thanks for the wild ride.

minutes and minutes quickly tick away, yet the only thing that keeps on running in my head is how to get away with everything that’s going on right now. it should have ended like it never started… but the unspoken question hovers around the air - what’s to end when there was nothing in the first place?

precisely. and that’s exactly the dilemma behind the whole thing — what’s to stop, when there was zilch. i found myself thinking "shit! what’s happening?"

hell, this ain’t easy.

infatuated. such word that i barely know the meaning. i was told i am — with you. i was caught defenseless, since it might be true. i rested my case and told them i like you, but i’m far from being in that state of incoherence.

it just bothers me, why do spend too much time thinking — about u. why do i care, when i don’t even know who you really are? i knew right from the start thay you tell things like they’re for real — you make everything sound real enough for it to be untrue. i believed you? no, i just hoped. i hoped that whatever comes out from your lips might be true — a benefit of a doubt that gave some shade to the black and white palette i kept cage. true enough, you splattered tiny dots of colors that gave it a little life.

now, i just entered the door to the space where there is no sense of now or tomorrow. a limbo trapped in the room filled with circles that pops nothingness in the air. i’m floating along with my thoughts. and i can see every single thing i’m thinking moving right before my eyes — like a dvd movie where i can just pause and think for awhile. the problem is, the remote control doesn’t work. so, every thing just rolls — right in front of me.

and there are moments that i catch myself reaching to that scene. i tried to get rid of it — to erase it from my memory. i tried to pop it, so its existence will be gone. but as i tried to grab it, it pops into tiny bubbles with that scene filling each tiny circle. it’s floating all around me, and it’s filling my senses with the emotion i tried to hide. it is making me weak.

i stagger, and i fall — deep down the pit of confusion. i just hope i hit the ground soon enough…

i know it’ll hurt. but please, just keep it real.

The daydream that lingers on the clouds floating on top of my head fills up my thoughts and literally consumes my time. The inkling thoughts of destroying something so beautiful disturbs the peace that reigns inside these four-corners I got myself stuck on. In simpler terms, boredom sucks the life left in my body, and lethargy starts to run in my veins – freezing my blood and numbing my senses. Life should not be this cruel to a being who just tries to live up to the daily demands of status quo. Status quo is the bitter venom that silently poisons every mind that steps on its territory. Please, do not let me be one of the victims.

Yet the world continues to spin on its axis and revolve around the sun. Let it continue to turn, as our lives continue to grow. Let it rotate, while we learn to live up to the standards of this world. And have I learned? That is the right question to ask.

I fell once, and I fell twice. I tried not to fall again, but I keep on getting caught in the trap. No one can help me though, since I am in charge of this. I tried to be wise enough the third time around, but I just realized – I haven’t learned enough. A tear fell, another followed. The tears even flowed, but sensibilities took its turn and comforted me – gave me an umbrella to stop me from getting wetter than I already am. Now, I am done with that phase, and if I look back on those moments, I cannot help but laugh at my own naivety. And I tell myself, “Sh*t! I can’t believe I felt that.”

Another millennium passed, and here I am again. Here I am, still naïve and immature. Again I was wrong. I thought I’ve learned enough from my past lives, but I haven’t. I thought that I already found a greener pasture to breed my emotions, but I was wrong. The sight from someone new shook everything I built. And I thought it was strong enough, yet the impact from the contact blew my equilibrium – and I was wrong again. The eyes that betray his humanity conceals the beast that lurks underneath the skin. He scares me, yet his presence fulfills promises I only daydream about.

I called out help to the Supreme Being that lights my path – my reincarnated path. He sent his guidance through a text message, and he assured me of enough sanity that would help me all the way. Sanity is such a comforting word, eh? It makes me doubt my own. I am not even sensible enough to know what is real, and then another illusion is subtly walking down my way. How can I cope with such uncertainty?

My fone beeped, and I murmured a silent prayer. Your name appeared, and my heart skipped a beat.

And since that moment that your name popped in there, I couldn’t stop wishing that every beep would mean a message from you. Might it be a simple "hi" or "musta?", I don’t care. The only thing that I care about is the split-second moment of bliss every time I see your name in my cellphone screen. And how I wish for these moments to last, and how I look forward to the next beep, and how I long to talk to you again.

Lots of them questions, yet the only thing that matters to me is the momentary happiness I feel every time your name appears. Momentary, yes it is. Yet let my dreams defy the call of reality, let the beeps keep coming please. Complete my day.

I saw you earlier. And I wonder when would I see you next. You wouldn’t be here in the following days. So, please let the beeps complete my day. Beeps from you that flips my heart’s sanity. Make my day. Call me an idiot, you may do so.

And here I am again, looking forward to the next beep.

Another raindrop hits my forehead, and I look up the gloomy sky. Your face fogs my view, couldn’t think of anything else. I asked myself why should I, when I already let you go… or so I tell myself.

We went to the karaoke the other day, I sang this song. A friend taunted me that it was for you, as the lyrics go; “you’re like a brother to me now”. Is that for real? I asked myself. I nodded, convinced at my own decision to put some finality to that statement. “He’s like a brother, for heaven sake…” or so I tell myself.

I met someone new. He’s nice. He’s everything you’re not. He’s ideal even. Fun. Nice eyes. I was sure I’ve finally found someone better… but in the end of the day, I’m still wondering what became of you. I told myself it is normal, and I let it pass. The new guy finally fills up my head, to the extent that I barely think about you. I was proud of myself, since I’ve finally proven that it’s a matter of decision. You’re my brother, and you will be… or so I tell myself.

But the moment I went back to where it all begun, emotions that I thought I’ve lost comes rushing back and it scares me. It scares me, since I know it might hurt me all over again. This is the moment that I was hoping that I might turn out a cynic, but I didn’t. I’m like a kid who couldn’t stop herself from playing, even with the big scratch on her knee – she’d still go and play the bandwagon of broken dreams and tangled emotions. It’s a big déjà vu that I tried to avoid; a big deluge that I tried to stop with an umbrella. Impossibility hanging in the corner, nevertheless, I tried. I told myself I can handle this, it’s all in the mind… or so I tell myself.

It’s a matter of choice, I keep telling everybody. I advise them so, but why does it seems so hard when it comes to me? Don’t tell me anything. I know the answer; I just don’t want to acknowledge the fact that I do. I decided, yes. But the problem is: my emotions contradict everything. On the other hand, as I told you before; I don’t want to base anything on emotions, since they are so unstable and unreliable – they are no good lawyers for any case. It’s all in the mind… or so I tell myself.

Then I said goodbye… or so I tell myself.

Stuck on a thirsty naked corner

Musings under the pale moonlight

Waiting for the leaves to fall

Time slowly passing me by

Changing scenes right before my eyes

Bleaching the naked thoughts

Filling my inner being with warmth

Enough to break me and free me

Out of the dark cell where my soul was trapped

Drenched in my own tears, bound with my fears

I’m naked

My being exposed to the arena

Numb to shame, numb to man’s judgments

But why am I enjoying my nakedness? I’m stiff now.

Stiff naked body, drenched in humiliating blood.

Humiliation? Judgment? This is mediocrity.

People act as if they’re perfect - treating me dirty.

Is it dirty to devour lust, to express urge, to eat desire?

Eat my dirty naked body, lick me now

Coming out in the open, shouting my release. Ugh!

Heat! Fire engulfing my throbbing desires.

My heart beating to the rhythm of my pulsing manhood

Naked bodies pushing, pulling, ready for the blow.

Everything’s shrinking; senses narrowing to one focal point.

Hitting the spot - deeply… thouroughly…

My moans echoed a I thrusted inside you.

I’m just naked, simply naked, damn!

My softness submitting to the spitfire entering me.

Abandon all worries, forget all fears.

I could close my eyes to savor you, your heat, your sweat.

*Composed under the musings of bums hanging out in Sted’s last 2006July02. The steamy passion of Denver, Verna, Anna, and Dirgy under the insufficient lighting of the vines that canopied on top of our heads. Easter joined in the first few lines, but some guy picked her up for a date - abandoning our proem-making meditation.

"." When you see this, it means it’s the end, and another sentence will begin. Now, you see it again. Another sentence will start to flow. You see it again? This time, no. And yes, you see it again. What? No. Yes, of course you see it. Yes. I understand.

*Marveling on a freaking punctuation called the period ".". See what boredome does to an idiot? Well,you’ll be more than surprised.

my mind runs faster than i thought, my hands can’t keep up with it. words couldn’t be written, since they’ve already vanished when i’m just starting to ink them. let them get lost, they might not want to be known. maybe they value their secrecy too much, that even myself can’t get hold of them. do i own them? yes, but that doesn’t give me full reign to their existence. i let my mind roam to the wilderness that this mind can conceive, and let them get lost to wherever they lead.

sometimes i get frustrated though, since there are moments that i just want to sit and write about all the shits that’s happening around me. it’s just that, the words get lost - the right words get lost. and i’m down writing another cliche that everyone already knows. such a damned existence - living in a blackhole wherein everything spins right in front of you.

everything gets lost, everything is temporary. even love, when it was said to last forever. and people already came up with the reason that love indeed lasts FOREVER, but forever exist only for a few days. how sad. the world revolving in cynicism. everybody laughs about hightened emotions. people mock even the existence of God. who is God? i myself do not know him personally - i haven’t met him. i just found him singing silently in the back of my brain, and i just see him in all the things that surround me.

sigh. didactic, am i? no. just talking with baffled thoughts. with my thoughts wavering again, anything can pop up. the words are running inside my head. things. lots of them. do they have a toilet here somewhere? my seatmate told me no. too bad, nature’s call got to wait.

my celfone beeped, and a friend is already asking my whereabouts. everything indeed ends, and this is the call for this. i’m outta here. thanks for the wild ride. have a nice thought. -fin-

silence reigns.

may it last.